April's Word of the Month
Flow is a term with which I’m not the most acquainted. It felt like my life was all “go go go!” until my universe came crashing down almost a year ago. Some of you are in the same boat now, and as of a week and a half ago, I’m back in that boat with you. But not all of us have the same experience. We have different familial obligations and financial commitments and degrees of employment (if at all).
There’s a lot of information out there and protocol changes everyday and it’s very easy to feel paralyzed by fear and uncertainty when life as you know it comes to a screeching halt.
It’s traumatizing, deeply unsettling, and confusing.
I went through a gamut of emotions after losing my job last year. Feelings of shame and guilt and frustration and hopelessness and desperation and self-pity and self-loathing and anxiety and depression and on and on. Simply put — it was an absolutely awful time.
But one major thing I learned from that time was that no matter how much I’d convinced myself of otherwise, I desperately needed to be creative. When I felt as though I had nothing else (and I know that wasn’t true, but I was in a great deal of pain and not seeing things clearly), writing and working with my hands in the yard or the garage was what gave me purpose and slowly helped me heal and thrive.
I’ve spent the majority of the last year pouring into myself and being creative. And when I lost my job again a week and a half ago, the same lies I’ve been combatting all this time swiftly crept back in.
“I messed up.”
“I did something wrong.”
“Why is this happening again?”
“Maybe they didn’t like me?”
And you know what? No, I didn’t. No, I didn’t. There’s a global pandemic happening. And DUH OF COURSE THEY DID.
I spent the remainder of the evening feeling sorry for myself, but I woke up at the crack of dawn the next morning like I always do, put on my athleisure, and went directly to the garage. I’ve pretty much been there 8 days straight. And I’ve finished projects that I’ve been working on since last year and I’ve done random things that have been on my to do list for forever and I’ve had the clarity of mind to write and be creative in that way, too. It was like my body went into auto-pilot. And while I feel the most exhausted I have felt in a really long time, I feel fulfilled. Because I did all of those same things all along. I didn’t invest as much of myself into my job because I knew it wasn’t permanent. Okay, maybe it was a little less permanent than I anticipated, but! I set those initial boundaries.
I only worked a few days a week, and I was grateful for a paycheck, but something about the environment felt like it wasn’t the best fit for me personally. But ever since I was removed from it, it’s like my brain has been literally exploding with creativity, almost to the point I can’t sleep (and I am a champion sleeper, I will have you know!). I was telling a friend about this earlier, and he said, “it’s almost like your brain is thanking you.” I thought that was such an interesting way of phrasing the past week and a half. What I initially perceived as chaos was really just readjusting back to a state of flow.
And I have been so happy.
I know this is a frightening time for everyone. I felt the onset of an anxiety attack just trying to buy groceries on Sunday morning. But everything I’ve experienced over the past 11 months has given me a renewed perspective, and I’m hoping that will be contagious to those of you that are here.
Your life is not on pause (no matter how much it feels like it). The sun is still rising and setting. Flowers still continue to bloom. Wind still blows through the trees. Life is very much happening (whether we choose to participate or not). And after you’re done feeling bad (which you’re very much allowed to do whether you lost your job or not because these are scary times!), I hope you’re able to have clarity over what is important to you and how to prioritize those things in your life. Let this time be a teacher. Listen, even if you don’t know what you’re listening for. And don’t worry about what anyone else is doing. You’ve gotta put your own oxygen mask on first, remember? And everyone’s state of flow is different.
So this month’s word is f l o w.
I hope you find your way back to yours very soon ❤️
