A Little Advice from Someone Who’s Been There
This season is rough for so many. As an empath, it’s nearly suffocating. I saw a meme that said “we need to call 2019 and apologize for every bad thing we said about it.” And I laughed because 2019 was one of the worst years of my life thus far, and I thought to myself “yeah, I don’t know about that...”
Aside from losing my job that I really loved — and was damn good at, btw — I’ve spent the past year trying to navigate some really difficult mindsets, some unresolved childhood trauma, a communication breakdown in my marriage, and the fear that maybe I just couldn’t be good at or enjoy anything else.
So, as someone who has been treading water for what feels like a lifetime (and I still don’t even have abs?? RUDE) I thought I would offer a little advice in hopes it might be helpful to you during an awfully uncertain and downright terrifying time.
A lot of you are in limbo right now. Maybe you’re employed but your salary is frozen. Maybe you’ve been reduced to a limited capacity that’s undoubtedly on a shrinking timeline. Maybe you’ve lost your job altogether and have no idea when (or if) you’ll be able to return.
Everything was fine a few weeks ago, but now it isn’t.
It’s incredibly unnerving.
I get it.
When I lost my job, my identity was shattered. I poured every bit of myself into my job, and I was reaping the rewards. My territory was growing like crazy, I was making the most money I’d ever made professionally, and my clients were the absolute most lovely people. I worked extremely hard to get where I was. I felt really, really proud but also very grateful. I do not brag on myself ever, but I will do it right now because I worked so hard: I was killing it.
And when that was all ripped away from my grasp, I felt like I began to disintegrate. Pieces and fragments and particles of my identity hung in the wreckage of my person, and I couldn’t even reach out to grasp them. I just stared at them bewildered, sick, paralyzed.
So I painted. I tore things apart and put them back together. I learned how to wire lights. I sanded pieces of furniture until I thought I might have nerve damage in my fingers. I spent all summer in my garage until my exhausted body basically gave out, and then I started writing for hours a day, sometimes 8 hours at a time.
I barely knew what day it was. I hardly washed my hair. Athleisure was my only form of dress. I spent all of my time working in my garage or writing in my kitchen. I barely left the same 1,400 square foot area except to go to Home Depot or Starbucks or Target or the gym.
My social interaction was basically non-existent (except for neighbors or store employees or my weekly therapist appointments).
I’ve spent the better part of the last year turning my focus towards myself, and at first, it was awful. Sure, I could shower and fix my hair and dress nice for work. But I didn’t want to care for myself, really. Not in this way. I could distract myself for a while. I’m talking months on end. But eventually, I came to the point that I couldn’t hide from myself anymore. And the heavy thoughts poured in. And I could barely take it. All of the fears and doubts — and there were many — confronted me. I didn’t know if I would make it through to the other side.
I’m not saying all of this to make you feel sorry for me. Finally, I feel like I’m okay (most of the time, anyways).
I actually gave up my shifts at my current job because I thought someone might need them more. We’ve spent several months living off of one salary, so the possibility of doing that for a few more months doesn’t alarm me in the same way it once did. It wasn’t the decision I wanted to make, but my conscience told me it was the right move. I don’t know if I could’ve done that a year ago.
I’m saying this because none of us know how long this will last. Some of you might find yourselves in this same predicament, and many of you are already there. And if I can impart any wisdom to you that I’ve gleaned from almost 11 months and thousands of dollars of therapy, I’m doing it. Because as awful as 2019 was, seeing everyone I love suffer around me in this way is infinitely worse.
If you feel paralyzed by fear...
…know that you are not alone. And I don’t say that to minimize your hurt. I say it because knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are is comforting. Turn off the news. Call a friend or family member and talk it out. Try moving your body, even if it’s just stretching for a few minutes. Try looking up grounding exercises to help bring you to the present moment. Breathe. Place your hand over your heart and repeat to yourself, “I am safe.” Lately, a hot shower while listening to a podcast has been a second form of therapy.
If you’re being hard on yourself...
…treat yourself like a friend. Be kind to yourself. None of us knows what’s going on. This is a crazy situation! If you need to stress eat, do it. If you need to stay in bed and watch “The Office” for the 400th time through, do it. If you need to wear comfortable clothes for days or weeks or months on end, do it. This is survival mode. And as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or someone else, do what you need to do to feel okay and try to put the judgments aside.
If your gym is closed and you can stop eating all of your quarantine snacks...
…I am right there with you. Stress-eating during a global pandemic is a whole other ballgame! But it’s fine. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable. We’ve had a tough go at it in Nashville because it literally will not stop raining. But there are plenty of ways to move that beautiful body indoors! Put on your jams and dance around the kitchen! Use your dog as a weight for squats! Do planks on your bathroom counter! Vacuum (a full contact sport in my house)! And true story — I walked 3.1 miles around my house the day before my in-laws came to visit for Christmas, and my house is small and I didn’t even go into 2 of the bedrooms. Try not to focus on the change in routine and just do something. I promise you’ll feel better. And if any of you figure out how to manifest a Peloton, pls let me know.
If you feel alone...
…reach out to someone. Chances are, they’d love to be there for you. I am the worst at this, even though I’m always the first to jump up and offer support to someone else — even people I don’t know. I have a really hard time asking for support when I need it because my brain tells me that makes me weak, but I wouldn’t feel that way about anyone asking me for the same thing, so I know that isn’t true! And every time I reach out and talk through my feelings or even talk to someone about something completely different, I feel so much better. I’ve spent so many hours on the phone in the past year, and whether I’m really going through it emotionally or just trying to knock out some house chores and want a buddy to “hang out with,” I know who I can call to keep me in check or cheer me up. So yes, it might feel strange and vulnerable and scary. But it’s worth it in the end. You are not alone, friend.
If you’re looking at a career change and you feel lost...
…I get it! I instinctively knew that when I lost my job, I was not going to be able to return to that industry in the same capacity, and it was soul-crushing to me. It took me so long to untangle my brain and even begin to consider what might be a good fit for me, and I beat myself up about it constantly. There’s still a bit of a question mark there (especially now), but giving myself time to figure that out and trying to be okay with not knowing is what was ultimately the most helpful. First, don’t put pressure on yourself to figure everything out immediately. Just try to figure out what the next best step is in this moment, and go from there. And if you don’t know what direction to go in, think of what you turn to in these moments (painting, building a website for a friend, consulting someone on their business). Is that something you could channel into a potential career or at the very least, side hustle? Contact people in that field who you respect and ask them for advice. If you don’t know anyone, ask a friend if they have any contacts they would be willing to extend to you. It took me months to message 3 people on instagram (which took a total of 15 minutes as I obsessively overanalyzed everything I was saying in my initial message), but once I did they were all so kind and helpful and understanding. If it takes you a while to get to that point, it’s okay. Most people want to help others, so just imagine a smiling face on the other side of the screen.
If you’re freaked out because you now have way too much time on your hands...
…you can still find ways to remain busy! Stay tuned for a future post, but think about the things you always want to do but never allow yourself to because of all the other crap you have on your list? Well, I’m guessing that excuse isn’t exactly holding up anymore. Organize your closet! Clean out your car! Untangle that necklace that’s been sitting on your dresser for 6 months! Start writing the next great American novel! What else are you doing?
If you want to stuff all your feelings down...
…they will come back up. I know, I know. I am the kween of stuffing my feelings down and distracting myself. But the distractions only last so long. So try to feel those feelings. All of them. Yes, it will suck. But as someone wise once told me — feelings aren’t facts. Acknowledging those feelings only helps them leave faster. If you need help, I cannot recommend seeing a therapist enough. Talkspace or BetterHelp are great mobile options, but in person treatment has been a wonderful tool for me to learn how to process my many, many emotions. Not all therapists take insurance, but many do and some places offer sliding scale to accommodate various financial situations.
If you feel like you need to disconnect a little bit...
…then do it. Tell your family, friends, or anyone from work who might try to reach you that you’re checking out for a little while and do what you need to do. As much as social media is a great tool to make us feel more connected, it can also make us fixate a little too much on others, the news, etc, and have an adverse, isolating effect. Turn your phone on Do Not Disturb if you need to and do whatever feels right. No one is entitled to your energy right now (or ever, but especially in this moment), and the only one who can protect your energy is you. Back up and read that again. You are not obligated to answer when someone calls, texts, or tries to contact you in any manner if you’re not feeling up for it. You can designate someone to keep you in the loop with what’s going on (should things escalate), but rest assured — all the news, noise, and distractions will still be around when you decide to come back to it. So take a break if you need to.
If you are in survival mode…
…that is okay and normal. If all you can do is brush your teeth and maybe your hair, that is okay and normal. If your meals consist of nothing but snacks or fast food or sugar or overeating or undereating, that is okay and normal. Just say, “I am doing the best I can in this moment” and accept it. And maybe tomorrow’s best looks a little different than today’s. And you know what? That is okay and totally normal. All you can do is keep trying, and being hard on yourself won’t make anything better.
In the last year, I’ve maybe had 5 days where I let myself rest on the couch and watch Netflix. But my version of anxiety is high functioning. Yours may not be. And that’s ok! We’re all on a different journey. We all heal and cope differently. So allow yourself to do and feel whatever feels natural and comfortable.
If you aren’t in a panic...
…know that you are one of the privileged few, and your resources (financial or otherwise) are likely greatly needed by someone else, so please consider lending a hand however you’re able. Tip extra, pay someone’s utilities (or their rent, if you can swing it), patronize local businesses, check in on your friends who are unemployed and keep checking in, offer to go to the grocery store for an older or immunocompromised friend or family member or neighbor. It’s going to take all of us pulling together to get through this, and any good juju you can put into the world at this time is desperately needed.
If there’s anything I can leave you with, it’s this:
Even though this situation feels heavy and scary and present, it isn’t permanent. Try to remain positive. And if you find yourself slipping, please reach out to a friend, family member, or professional. Now more than ever, the universe needs you at your best, and there’s no shame in doing it ❤️
Stay well, and if you need someone to listen, I’m right here.
All my love.
