The Thanksgiving Table Conversation You Shouldn't Avoid
While we’re all gathered with our loved ones trying to avoid yet another polarizing political debate and that one relative’s weird version of cranberry sauce (seriously, how do you mess that up?), I think it’s time we discuss something of great importance:
Air travel decorum
I know what you’re thinking. “Natalie, I don’t need to read this.” And you might be correct. But you know who does? Your great aunt Janet with no sense of urgency. Your grandpa Harold with zero voice regulation skills. The neighbor down the street that always gets roped into your family events who rarely travels beyond their driveway. But when they do…
I reached out to our friend Britt, the brain behind this popular post, when I started writing on this topic. He has a ton of travel experience under his Louis Vuitton belt, so I was curious to see if wanted to throw in a comment or two.
Well, it turns out he had so many thoughts, he actually ended up authoring the entire post.
Read it. Digest it. Tell your friends and family members and the cashier at Walgreen’s. Just because you don’t travel often doesn’t mean you can’t act like you know what you’re doing. And if you do travel often…well, you have no excuse!
Take it away, Britt!
Britt, here.
As the holiday season approaches, my thoughts suddenly turned to the inordinate amount of travel that we will all be subject to prior to our extreme gorge on turkey and pie. Hopefully there will be wine because after the laundry and the packing and the early morning car service to the airport, you will most definitely need wine.
It’s a lawless place, the airport. You are touched by strangers, forced to sit in a waiting area with horribly designed indoor/outdoor carpet and if you are lucky, you can have a cocktail at 8AM with no judgement, mostly because of the orange juice factor. Key note, add orange juice to any alcohol and suddenly its socially acceptable to drink at extremely early hours.
I am speaking from experience.
I used to travel for a living. A lot. My last year of traveling for work I was on 236 aircraft. While this might seem shocking to some, there are people who are on many more and they survive mainly because Airpods. For those of you who have not done much traveling, let me tell you, Airpods are the key to your success. Pair them with sunglasses (even if it’s too early to be light out) and you will have the absolute best travel experience because no one will speak to you.
The next time that you are in an airport, look around you. Find the man dressed in a blazer and slacks, wearing Airpods. He travels for a living. Find the woman who is sharply dressed but comfortably so, wearing Airpods. Work travelers. They know a lot. They want you to know a lot or at least pretend you do so that they, who do this all day everyday, are not impeded by those who act as though they haven’t left the house since Reagan was President.
I would love to pass along a few key pieces of advice for this holiday season. They are tips taken from my time spent listening, observing, and wishing that people knew how to travel because unfortunately, most don’t. They think they do and they are the ones causing the most trouble. I’m looking at you Barbara and your luggage which WILL not fit in the overhead, with your 8x11 printed boarding pass and your Ziploc bag of liquids which you aren’t sure you have to remove or not.
Below are Britt’s helpful hints for a flawless and annoying-free day of travel.
The annoying-free part is mostly for the people around you because, spoiler alert, there are a lot of them. It’s a public place.
1. Interestingly enough, a number of airlines are providing passengers with TSA PreCheck. Most individuals in this line have paid for it and they use it appropriately. It is meant to speed the annoying but VERY helpful security screening process along. As such, PLEASE do not spend 10 minutes taking off all of your clothing, removing your knitting, gifts for Auntie Carol Ann, and your iPad from your carry on. All of those can just skate right on through with you. Leave your cosmetics in your bag. No one needs to see that you carry the entire Clinique line in travel size. Also, as much as I would love it, no your full size bottle of Pantene will not pass inspection, so when they confiscate it, just take the hit and run to Target and pick up another bottle when you get to Duluth.
2. Once past the screening situation, please grab your bag and go. Don’t stand in front of the machine wondering if your husband’s bags got through and adjusting your wig. He will find you in the area designated, “REDRESS AREA.” It’s a whole area JUST FOR REDRESSING. Also, helpful when waiting on travel companions.
3. Run into Hudson News and grab a magazine, some snacks, whatever you want BUT please, for the love of God, don’t run to Burger King and get a Whopper extra onions to eat on the plane. No one wants to share in your love of the onion, nor do we want to smell your Popeyes.
4. When ordering at Starbucks, realize it’s the same menu, so get the same thing you always get and move along. We all have a plane to catch and this is not the time to wonder if you are a fan of Green Matcha Tea.
5. This may seem like a simple tip but, FaceTime is not an acceptable form of communication unless you are wearing Airpods (see above). No one in the waiting area is interested in your grandmother’s needlepoint class or the drama that your sister-in-law is getting you involved in. Simple communication etiquette applies in this camp as well. Talk on the phone OR better yet, just text like the rest of the free world.
6. When entering the plane recognize that you get one carry on and one personal bag. Not four. They will see that you are carrying a duffel, your purse, and you have a roller bag as well. They are going to stop you and tell you to check one, so just avoid the timesuck. When walking down the aisle of said aircraft, there will probably be people already seated. Realize that if you whack them with your purse, it’s probably going to be in the head and they might not appreciate this. Also, when stowing your bags overhead, this is not the time to gather all of the books, magazines, makeup, iPads, diapers, etc that you need for your 45 minute flight. There are 154 other people trying to get to their seat so shove all of that above you and sit down. If it’s VITAL that you have it when you are seated, carry it in your hands or in that bag you get to stow under the seat in front of you.
7. PUT. YOUR. SEAT. BELT. ON.
8. While in flight, know what beverage you are after so you don’t slow the service. I have been on a plane where a woman kept asking other passengers what she wanted to drink. Ummmm, I don’t know Carol, how about a Ginger Ale because this seems to be the only place this beverage is actually consumed.
9. When the plane lands, two things: there is literally ZERO reason to clap and there is ZERO reason to drown yourself in Pear and Ginger Bath and Body Works spray. That shit travels and the people around you don’t want to smell like a salad.
10. Here is the biggest………The plane unloads front to back. A landing plane is no surprise. Someone has already clapped and sprayed Bath and Body works so you should know you are here. Also, jolting, slowing, and they announce it 19 times. Be prepared when its your turn. AND ONLY YOUR TURN. YOU BACK THERE, Row 38, I’m looking at you. I know it sucks and you want off the plane BUT so does everyone else and you are NOT more important than them. It’s a three minute difference so just be patient.
11. Finally, at the baggage claim. Just stand back and wait for the luggage to come to you. Standing on the belt is not going to make it come faster and I promise no one wants your TJMaxx Tommy Hilfiger luggage from high school. Everyone crowding around the carousel will just get you shoved when my bag comes out first. Sorry but you asked for it.
It’s Natalie again.
12. If, for some inexplicable reason, you all of a sudden have no clue where you are or where you’re going — for the love of all things sacred — DO NOT come to a halt in the middle of the terminal. Step aside to a nearby gate and reassess. I have long legs, I walk fast, and I have a teeny tiny carry on that’s maybe half the weight of one of my dogs. I will run you over and I will wrestle with the guilt from that transaction for the remainder of my trip. Just keep moving.
Hopefully you’re feeling better equipped to handle the rigors of travel. And if you have connecting flights or are traveling with United, may the odds be ever in your favor.
Happy Thanksgiving!
