‘Gossip Girl’ Premiere (!!!!) Recap
Gossip Girl is BACK and I know it took me a few to get this post up, but we switched internet providers and I had to create another HBO Max account and anyways the point is I AM HERE NOW SO LETS DO THIS.
I was very committed to the original GG. I’m talking went-to-my-college-friend’s-parents’-house-after-a-4-hour-macroeconomics-night-class-to-watch-it committed. Now I can’t even stay up past 8:30. I’m very cool now, yes. You can find me at the top Met steps any day.
Like pretty much anyone that watched the original and tuned in for the reboot, I had some very real feelings. First of all, why? Do we have to remake everything? The OG GG was in a class of its own. It was iconic. Can they top the impeccable style? The multi-layered characters? Are they ready to contend with the glaring issue of the original show’s lack of diversity?
And most importantly, to me: will there be a new version of “I’m Chuck Bass” that gives me the tinglies? (TMI??) DOUBTFUL. But I decided to see what all the fuss is about, and I’m taking you along with me. So buckle up your seatbelts — in your Maserati or your Ford Taurus #noshame — because it’s about to go down.
If you have not watched the first episode, do not read further because SPOILERS. I hate a spoiler. I always see them because I’m one of those masochists that likes to read the comment section on posts. And, I’d like for you to know that just last year, I “ruined the show” for someone because I revealed Gossip Girl’s true identity. Babe, Gossip Girl ended 8.5 years ago. That’s on you. Please get your life together.
You have been warned.
Let’s do this!
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Initial impressions: I hated it.
No, I’m kidding. I was definitely intrigued from the previews. The head girl is black and has a shaved head? LFG!!!! But how would it stack up against the original? Did they cast the same character types, or did they start anew? And we already know Gossip Girl is Dan Humphrey, so what’s the deal here? Is he a creepy 30-something guy writing about teenagers? Oh my god…am I creepy?????
You know what? Don’t answer that.
S1 E1: Just Another Girl on MTA
The episode starts with the cast the morning of their first day of school.
2 and a half minutes in and we have a “Top Chef” cameo, standard poodles, and a dad that doesn’t look old enough to parent a high school student but maybe they just got married at 19 like everyone else I went to Christian school with idk. There’s an uneventful sex scene (in the morning? Really?), a protest, and! A subject with which I identify most personally: the promise of family drama.
I forgot how difficult it is to start a new show. So many new faces and places and names. Oof!
The montage ends and the girls are seated on the front steps of the school preparing for a first day of school photo shoot when Ms. Keller, a teacher, unintentionally interrupts by crashing into Julien and her fancy new handbag, latte first. The students insult her tax bracket and first day ensemble. Ouch! And I know they’re supposed to be elitist, but even this feels a little farfetched or forced. All I know is if I popped off like that on Mrs. Stout, I would be in the Principal’s office faster than you can say “Yves Saint Laurent.” Or “Abercrombie” which I thought was designer at the time. $78 for chinos? Yes. I did partake. I can admit it. Now, hand me the keys to my Upper East Side apartment.
The homeroom bell hasn’t even rang yet, and the teachers are congregated in the faculty room, utterly defeated. They’re exhausted from contending with the influencer generation and their enabling parents. I guess they assumed after a year of suffering through online school, they would come back with better attitudes? Not a chance! There’s a Nate Archibald name drop (!!!!!!!!!!). Side note — did you see the photos of him on that boat in Italy?? *fans self* Another teacher, a former student, informs the other teachers about Gossip Girl, a blog where the students’ most personal details are shared to the masses. She claims to have never read it (and she is a LIAR) and exits the room. The teachers rush to the screen. One guy exclaims, “It’s a blog. Haven’t seen one of these in years!” Excuse me, this is not Live Journal (did I just date myself a hundred years?). Blogs are not outdated!?? I might have taken this a bit too personally. Anyway, the teachers are huddled around the computer gawking at the site and one of them says, “Maybe we should try it?” They laugh and get a collective twinkle in their eyes and I can already tell what’s happening here and I’m pretty sure I hate it, but ok.
The girls are assembled on the front steps of the school trying to get more photos again, and the guys start showing up. This is the first time we’ve seen them all together, and maybe the first time they’ve all been together in over a year. Although, I don’t know, I bet this crew threw a few super-spreader events. Julien’s boyfriend, (whom I’ve dubbed DHDWAE - Dan Humphrey Doppleganger with an Earring but is actually called) Obie, arrives and immediately disappoints because he’s not presentable to be in Julien’s instagram story as he was doing some early morning social justice work before school. I’m sorry — most high schoolers can barely be pushed out the front door in time for first period, and these guys are having sex and attending protests prior? Ohhh, to be young!
The family drama that’s sure to be a frontrunner of a storyline resurfaces — Julien, Constance’s Queen Bee, has a half sister, Zoya, that has relocated to New York and is attending Constance. The popular kids are clearly unenthused. One of the guys makes a drug reference, and the camera pans to Julien’s half sister’s Adidas. She nervously approaches the front steps and makes eye contact with Julien, who appears warm and not like a robot for the first time thus far in the series. Members of her circle threaten to throw their lattes, and Julien states that she likes her shoes.
ATTN OLD PEOPLE — ADIDAS ARE STILL COOL.
The teachers are in the faculty room devouring Gossip Girl. Ms. Keller says, “This Chuck and Blair thing is out of control.” Uh yeah, duh. That’s what makes it amazing. The race issue comes up, as well as a conversation of whether the students are at fault for their poor behavior when they’re born into enormous wealth and privilege. (The answer is YES).
After a 9 year absence, forced by powerlessness over the students they’re entrusted to enrich, 5 hapless teachers resurrect the beast with a GossipGirl2.0 Twitter account as a last ditch effort to check the students.
That’s right.
Twitter.
TWITTER.
I’m just going to say it because it’s Gossip Girl, but the Twitter account is the worst dressed teacher’s idea. I know. I’m a monster.
And yes, a Gossip Girl TikTok would be unrealistic, but Twitter? Seems a little dated. These kids are not using Twitter. They’re sending pics of their butt and god knows what else on Snapchat. It’s uncertain who the target audience of the tweets is supposed to be because the first post is about the teacher who just got fired for giving a non-satisfactory grade to a student. The students surely don’t care. And neither will their parents. It’s like grow up and create an investigative podcast about it already. I’d love to watch that show. But I’m 35. And moving on.
A girl vapes in the bathroom, and once she leaves, Julien and her apparently not estranged half-sister hug and squeal as they compare their matching tattoos. Zoya claims hers was done with a seam ripper. I can guarantee you most of the students don’t have a tattoo, and if they do, it isn’t a prison tatt #streetcred This is the girls’ first face-to-face meeting, and it seems really sincere. Zoya mentions that she was able to relocate due to a scholarship that I’m questioning the validity of. These people are insanely rich. It wouldn’t surprise me if Julien was footing Zoya’s tuition bill, even if their dads hate each other. I’m also thinking she’s responsible for the Adidas...
Julien wants Zoya to “organically” infiltrate the friend group, so they plan to keep up the charade of not knowing one another and reconvene at the MET STEPS. This absolutely better not be a yogurt on head situation or I will riot (only OGs will catch that reference).
AH HA! Julien did gift the sneakers to Zoya! I freaking knew it.
Later in the morning, the crew are lounging on the Met Steps — the backdrop of many an iconic moment in the original series — and Zoya appears across the street. They’re already digging their teeth in when Julien casually rebuffs their comments. Zoya sits below them (obviously) and Julien asks her about the shoes, much to the group’s horror. “She has a headband on,” Monet quips, disgusted, as the ghost of Blair Waldorf shrieks around a penthouse apartment somewhere.
Zoya and Julien clearly have a connection *until Zoya pisses her off and then FORGET IT* and Julien preps her for her story as Zoya and DHDWAE have a chat about an activist group he’s a member of when she sees the insignia on his coat.
“You ever heard of the guilty rich?” Julien asks Zoya, referring to Obie. I think I would be one of those for sure. Shoutout to my parents for the scarcity complex!
Zoya scores an invite from her big sis to Dumbo Hall, a members-only club which sounds illegal for teenagers but I’m no narc, ok?? Julien makes the group verbally agree to inviting her, and they begrudgingly do it.
Back inside the school, the teachers are lamenting the fact that their dumb Twitter account (I’m petty about this already) hasn’t received a single like, and the regret is palpable. You can just tell this is the moment where they could shut Pandora’s Box forever and go back to their soul-sucking jobs as they know them, but you know that is absolutely not what’s going to happen.
Julien, alongside Kati and Iz 2.0, saunter down the hallway and berate the teachers again. Ms. Keller, the young, blonde ringleader of the teachers has already hit her limit and insists the others come to her house that evening.
Zoya, who is STUNNING, by the way, discusses the events of the day with her father in what’s supposed to be a modest apartment but I assure you is not because I have friends that live in New York and I did a semester there in college, so I know how these things work. Anyway, Zoya lies to her dad that she made a new friend that wants to grab gelato TONIGHT. Dad pulls the “on a school night?” bit, and I want you to know that I haven’t been in school for…a while…and I still use the phrase “school night.” Mostly because there are few things I love more than sleep. Am I depressed??
MOVING ON.
Zoya’s dad reluctantly allows it, but only if she’s home by 9. Lame! He promises to give her more freedom if she’s responsible this time. Do we think she will make it back home by 9 Y/N?
I’m voting NOPE.
She picks up a package at the concierge of her building, and lies again that it’s a surprise for her dad. The bag says Net-A-Porter so it’s clearly something Julien sent over for her to wear for the evening.
At Ms. Keller’s apartment, the teachers are brainstorming how to remove themselves from the clutches of hell that is these rich kids’ stranglehold over them, and it’s honestly kind of sad. I know this happens in real life, but these guys are so desperate. The only teacher with half a clue insists that Twitter is not the way, and if they post, it has to be on instagram. The group discuss tone, potential content (a rivalry!), how to get the attention of the students, etc.
The teachers are ready to “take the power back, do some good, and save the future” (which all sounds highly ambitious for this crew). I’m going to be honest, I saw this spoiler in the comments section. I know, I’ve got to stop. And I rolled my eyes pretty far into the back of my head. But hearing Kristen Bell’s voice pop up on the TV gave me the tingly nostalgia that I remembered from the first iteration, and I’m all in.
Like if that XOXO, Gossip Girl doesn’t get you pumped all the way up, you might be dead idk.
The squad gets tagged in the first post of the Gossip Girl Instagram account, but based on their reactions, there’s no indication that they have an understanding of who the original Gossip Girl is and her often reputation-damning antics. Some are concerned about the new account, others block and ignore.
Julien meets her friends at the club, and the girls are questioning her sister’s motives. They want to know why she lives in the same city, attends the same school, and…arrives on the same elevator as her boyfriend. It’s the last part, for me. I smell dramaaaa! The group huddles around a table with cocktails, and Julien tries to download Zoya on details about Constance and how she and her terrible friends basically run the school. Zoya is clearly uncomfortable by her company and the location, and the conversation turns to the teachers and how there’s no point in getting to know them because they never seem to stick around long. Zoya likens that to the salary disparity between private and public school teachers, saying, “it’s criminal how little they make.” I mean, criminal teachers seems a very strong theme here because I’m pretty sure you can’t share private student information with the general public on social media, but what do I know? Anyways, her passion about how underfunded teacher salaries are sets off do-gooder Obie AKA DHDWAE comments on how great Ms. Keller AKA Gossip Girl 2.0 is, and Zoya agrees. Julien asks for Zoya’s number to add her to the group chat, and Monet and Luna text each other in obvious frustration, which just goes to prove — in every group chat, there is a separate group chat about the contents of the initial group chat. If you’re not in that group chat…you’re probably a topic of conversation. Sorry, but someone had to tell you!
Next up, a THREESOME. With drugs! But I don’t know what kind of drugs because I was my 5th grade DARE class president, and don’t you dare forget it! It could be an Altoid for all I know! Audrey happens upon the trio, thus putting it to an end. Max, who is giving off Chuck vibes (he wishes) is clearly trying to shake Audrey’s confidence in her relationship, to which Audrey replies, “don’t straight-shame me.” Audrey, this is not a thing. For someone who’s been a stone-cold brat since the show opened, she sure seems demure and rattled by Max’s offer, although I’m not entirely clear on what the offer was. Drugs? Another threesome? Audrey finds her boyfriend and drags him off to a storage closet for some fun, as if to prove she’s not a boring, monogamous type! We’ve all been there. She looks on at Max as this goes on. Not sure if she wants him to see her as someone more adventurous, or if she wants a little something more than his attention…
The second Gossip Girl post goes live, and the group clutches their phones. The post details WHAT I GUESSED INITIALLY, which was that Julien’s family footed the bill for the scholarship that allowed Zoya to attend Constance (and no, I didn’t go back and edit because I’ve already spent way too much time writing this tbh!). Zoya, who is obviously experiencing her first big dose of privilege in this world, is horrified and shocked at the events that have transpired. But Julien keeps her cool. “Why would you think someone else deserves something more than you?” I wish I had this girl’s ego because WOW. Julien is now before a firing squad of her friends and one very horrified family member who are frustrated that she lied to them about not knowing Zoya prior to earlier in the day, frustrated that she lied about the validity of the scholarship, really just a whole lot of bad vibes right here. Zoya should’ve gone to gelato by herself. Julien, who sure does seem like she has a lot of enemies for someone who supposedly has zero, reassures Zoya that she’s earned her rightful place. Obie stands up to leave, and Julien whines about “doing the story” with her. They take a bad couples pic, and he leaves WITH ZOYA *eyes widen*
Obie and Zoya walk home in the rain, which is a stereotypical scene out of every romance movie ever. He tries to comfort her about the existence of the GG instagram and offers for her to come up to his place that they’re conveniently walking past to try to wait out the rain. She checks the time on her phone, and apparently all of that nonsense popped off in under an hour which is truly impressive. Obie flexes that not only does he have the whole floor, he owns the entire building. Can you even imagine? In NEW YORK? Omg.
He offers to dry her dress in the sauna and says that he can’t let her beyond the threshold because his mother (who is MIA) will kill him if he gets the floors wet. He swears not to look and the two undress in front of a ginormous window that one of their weird annoying teachers just happens to walk past. He snaps some pics of the pair, which would be illegal for anyone to do, let alone their TEACHER. Obie laments to Zoya how he feels like a character in Julien’s life and not her actual boyfriend ever since social media has rotted all of her brain cells (my words, not his). They both commiserate about how they knew a different Julien, initially. And beyond her frustration, Zoya tells Obie it means that person is still inside of Julien…somewhere. Zoya clearly feels comforted by Obie.
We’re back at Ms. Keller’s apartment where a rain-soaked teacher shows up on her doorstep, frantic. He claims he could be arrested and shows her the photos of Obie and Zoya, but then assumes Ms. Keller won’t use them because of the nature of the content. Stating, “We’re either in this or we’re not” she alludes to the fact that they’re apparently both about to launch themselves into misdemeanor territory. Or felony. I don’t know, but it is NOT good.
Can I just say, for someone who has gotten poured on, Zoya looks absolutely stunning.
Zoya returns home and hugs her dad. He is none the wiser of the evening’s activities. She’s added to the group chat, as members start to drop like flies. She goes to bed and awakes to the notification of a Gossip Girl post, and you guessed it — it’s the photo of her and Obie mid-undress. She immediately contacts Julien who is seemingly unbothered.
Obie arrives to an upset student body at the news of his transgressions, and it’s honestly kind of impressive how quickly the students have latched onto Gossip Girl. Although, it’s pretty difficult to dispute a photo, especially of this nature. The onlookers take photos, and the stage is set for the teachers to receive the content and tip-offs that they need without doing much more of the dirty work. Julien shows up at the front steps and receives a pretty cold treatment. Concerned about public perception, she texts Zoya for a meetup.
Julien is flattered that GG chose to focus on her and Zoya, calling it a “badge of honor” and insists that taking a page out of the Blair and Serena playbook where they fake a showdown at a fashion show will restore power to the hierarchy and all will be well.
Aki and Max dress for the fashion show together, and clearly they both feel some kind of way about it. I’m just saying there’s a lot of lip biting going on. Audrey looks on. Can’t really tell what she’s thinking, which I’m sensing is going to be a theme for her. Also enjoyed Aki telling Max he doesn’t like to stick out when he literally has pink hair.
Backstage at the show, Julien is getting prepped when Monet and Luna show up and tell her that her plan is far too docile and she needs to step it up. Again, Julien seems unbothered. That is, until they let her know that she’s losing followers and Zoya is gaining them. Part of me is all “who even cares” but she’s 17 so there you go. Monet and Luna come up with a plan of their own, and before you know it, they’ve swiped Zoya’s cell phone and have enlisted Max to help, who has what I would consider a sinister presence. Zoya goes to her seat, and again, she looks incredible. She’s obviously never attended a fashion show in her life. I can tell. I went to Fashion Week. Once.
Max and Luna are in the bathroom and obviously up to no good, and Monet is smiling for maybe the first time all episode so you know something bad is about to happen. The teachers look on from a live stream. They’ve been tipped off by Julien that something is going down at the show. The girls have apparently highjacked Zoya’s phone to airdrop an old fashioned dick pic to the entire audience just as Julien is making her way down the runway in the finale piece. The crowd erupts and Monet and Luna direct security guards to an unassuming Zoya who is being removed from the show. I hardly think this would get someone removed from an event, let alone a fashion show, but here we are. The focus shifts from Zoya to Julien who, upon being passed on the stage, lights it on fire?? The adult in me feels as though that’s unsafe, but if I were there I’d probably be loving it while holding my eyebrows to make sure they didn’t melt off or something.
The teachers get their first student photo submission, thus cementing their status. They are the real deal. Their follower count increases, and they’re elated. They’re gonna take these rich brats down if it’s the last thing they do! And it literally might be, because again, highly illegal.
Zoya confronts Julien post-show who confesses she had no idea Monet and Luna were going to cause such a fuss. In retrospect, Julien’s initial plan required a lot of heavy lifting out of Zoya, and I don’t think she had it in her. But if this Gossip Girl is anything like the last, she doesn’t appreciate being toyed with, so I’m sure this will backfire.
Julien claims she’s “not just known, she’s influential” — CRINGE — and it took a lot to get where she is today. Rich people have problems, too, okay?? She doesn’t seem completely evil, especially when you compare her to her counterparts. She’s definitely incredibly self-involved. But she didn’t do anything to stop the others from crushing Zoya to a pulp in front of literally everyone at that fashion show, socially speaking, that is. So which Julien is the real Julien?
I have a feeling Obie is onto all of this. That shirtless pic seems like old news, now! The internet moves fast…
Zoya is hurt and regretting her decision to come to New York. And Julien has a bit of a nasty streak and basically tells Zoya she can fall in line or leave. Zoya says there’s more than enough room for the both of them, and Julien makes more nasty comments and leaves in an SUV.
Obie’s inside and sees through the chaos. Julien promises to do better, but he says he won’t be around for it and randomly exits the car. If you did this anywhere other than NYC you would be totally screwed, but don’t worry guys, I’m sure he’ll be fine!.
Zoya arrives home and neglects to change back into her regular clothes. Her father, furious, has somehow found a TMZ article about the fashion show. He has the Net-A-Porter bag beside him. He alleges that she and Julien have committed fraud, although she was unaware of Julien’s plan. Is it just me, or do all of Julien’s plans not work out all that great? The scene ends with Zoya clutching the shopping bag, as if she’s trying to grasp the kind of life beyond her reach.
Another sex scene with Audrey and Aki. She again apologizes for things taking so long. LADIES. (Are there even any guys reading this? LOLOLOL) Do not do this! You take as long as you need! Anyways, Aki makes some weird comment, “You know you can think about him, right?” obviously meaning Max. And things seem to turn up a notch. I feel like I already know where this is going *takes large sip of drink*
The show ends with Gossip Girl stating that she’s all powerful and something’s true if she says it is (even if it isn’t!). These teachers have really found some confidence the last 72 hours. Should I start trolling teenagers? The camera pans to most of the original crew. And initially, it appears as though nothing has changed. But then the camera pans down from Julien on her balcony to Zoya approaching the front of Constance with many onlookers. Luna compliments her shoes, and Obie shows up, whom Zoya makes plans with to meet up and do some social justice work.
Julien storms off and slams into who else but Gossip Girl herself, Ms. Keller! She apologizes, claiming it was all her fault. A full circle moment! She then compliments her blazer. Ms. Keller looks as if she’s seen a ghost. Probably Blair’s after that earlier headband comment. There’s a regime change on the horizon. The teachers scan through the messages of tips on Gossip Girl’s instagram, and Ms. Keller claims “The future is ours again” as she stares directly into the camera, determined.
The show ends with the signature “XOXO, Gossip Girl.” And just like that, the reboot takes off!
Initial impressions
This is not the same “Gossip Girl” I knew and loved as an early 20-something; however, things change! This reboot may resonate more strongly with someone *cries* a bit younger than I am. Like any reboot, if you watch it and constantly compare it to the original, you’ll be doing a lot of head scratching. This is just the first episode, and they covered a lot of ground (hence the length of the post!). It definitely has entertainment value, and I will for sure keep watching, at least until the end of this season!
Favorite moment
The shot of the group on the Met Steps. Pure nostalgia!
Favorite outfit
Zoya’s orange dress at the fashion show.
Favorite cast member
Again, Zoya is perfect. TEAM ZOYA.
Fun Fact
The actress that plays Julien is actually 27! She’s closer to my age than the age of her character. Kinda cool/kinda weird.
Biggest Question
Will any of the original cast make a cameo? And I’m not talking Georgina Sparks showing up as the PE teacher, I mean Serena, Blair, Chuck, Nate, or Dan. Will one of the original core characters show up for a few episodes? Or even a few seconds? And who do we think it will be? I’m pulling for Blair. Or Chuck. Or both!
Biggest disappointment
Honestly, the fashion so far isn’t really doing it for me, but I have faith that they will step it up.
Predictions
Ultimately, the teachers get arrested for their behavior. I think one of them will slip up and risk exposing their charade because they’re clearly not tech savvy, and a glaring thought I had all episode — way too many people know about this already! Dan acted alone. If someone worked with Gossip Girl, they only knew they were working for “her” and not Dan. This is bound to cause issues. What if one of them slips up and accidentally discusses it in mixed company? Or if one of them finally develops a conscience and no longer wants to be a participant or for the site to exist at all? This is a recipe for disaster. A threesome between Aki, Max, and Audrey. Or Max steals Aki away from Audrey! There’s obviously something going on there. Zoya’s white lies will get her in trouble a la Little J. She’ll have to decide if she wants to maintain her good girl persona or go to the dark side. And Zoya and Julien’s dads — who hate each other btw — have to cross paths at some point. Is it weird to hope for a hot dad fight because I feel like that wouldn’t be beneath the OG GG. There were definitely some physical altercations...We’ll see!
