The Age of Disconnection
I lost my best friend a year ago. For what it’s worth I think I’d become a less relevant part of her life a few years prior. But what ended our friendship ultimately was a difference of opinion.
Over politics.
She’s very conservative. Her political beliefs weren’t a mystery to me. Actually, I appreciated that she had strong convictions, even if I didn’t always agree with them.
But something new started happening the last few years. If I posted anything online that was in direct opposition to what she believed, she had to let me know about it. And rarely was it anything constructive.
I want to be challenged in a thought provoking way. But this just seemed like provoking. And while I commented on how beautiful her children are and how happy her family looked, I was met with “bless her heart” “K” or “LOL”.
It was absolutely infuriating. Initially, I would try to use this as an opportunity to have a deeper conversation, and sometimes we could see eye to eye. But it became evident that she wasn’t looking for a conversation as much as an excuse to force her opinion on someone. And I was exhausting all of my good energy on someone whose only intent, seemingly, was to drain it.
After a few attempts, I successfully communicated that I was uninterested in whatever was happening. And that resulted in the end of our friendship, which wasn’t what I was aiming for. It was actually the opposite. I wanted us to connect in a different way. But she chose to leave. And to this day, it still breaks my heart.
I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced a loss of this kind.
I guess I just didn’t expect it. Not over something like this.
When talking this over with a friend, she said something that made things really clear for me:
“If friends can’t lay down pride and ego to communicate about things, how do they expect a country to come together?”
If we can’t listen to the ones we love without condemning them for their beliefs, how on earth can we connect with those we don’t know?
In a world of alternative facts and bias and memes, how do we lay those things down and attempt to connect or reconnect?
In an effort to educate myself and lean in, these are some commitments I’ve made since the last election:
I research everything I post or repost, usually verifying it with multiple sources.
I do not comment or engage with someone’s post simply based on the headline of an article they share (whether I agree with the headline or not). I read it, I research it, and I come back if I have something to say. A lot of times, I say nothing.
If what I have to say is contrary to the poster, I often only comment if I feel the information initially relayed is false or if it could be helpful for someone else to see my comment. I.E. I researched Georgia gun laws one day for funsies because a high school friend posted that she wouldn’t be wearing a mask since there was a law barring concealed carry permit holders from wearing face coverings and legally using their weapons (this wasn’t actually true because she shared a meme that cited a law that had been revised due to the pandemic). This sounds extreme, but I wanted her to be safe in every sense of the word, and I wanted her to be able to carry her weapon for protection AND wear a mask to protect herself and her loved ones from Covid.
I speak up for the things that matter to me AFTER I have researched and formed what I deem to be an educated opinion.
I try not to have an opinion on everything.
Before offering my opinion to someone who potentially disagrees with it, I ask myself if I’m genuinely trying to have an earnest conversation, or if I’m just trying to make someone see things my way. If it’s the latter, I do not engage.
I try not to post content purely for the point of being divisive. Yes, I have definitely failed at this. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me because I’m human. But I try to keep that from happening.
I listen to those that don’t necessarily agree with me because it’s important to see things from multiple perspectives. I realize that I have so, so much to learn. Sometimes my ego gets in the way. But I’m trying; however, if someone is continuously disrespectful with relaying their opinion (or straight up hateful), I will set a boundary. No one is entitled to being a participant in my life if they’re not contributing anything meaningful.
I hit that mute button. And not just because someone disagrees with me politically. Again, I want to see and hear other perspectives. But if I have an internal negative response, I hit mute for a little while for my mental health because that takes top priority.
If we are friends, I care about the things you care about.
That means gun control AND responsible gun ownership, because those things go hand in hand.
That means the unborn AND women’s access to free/affordable contraceptives.
That means those in charge of keeping our cities safe AND police oversight and the #blacklivesmatter movement.
Copy and paste to education, healthcare, and a million other topics.
I care about so many things for so many reasons.
I am a highly complex person. Just ask my husband 🤣
At the end of the day, I know my intentions are in the right place. It sometimes feels impossible to connect with people. But it isn’t, really.
We all care about things for certain reasons, and maybe once we slow down, listen, and learn those reasons, we’ll be better suited to lean in.
Whichever way things go on November 3rd, there will be a lot of people who are relieved and a lot of people who are hurting. And if we can practice acting with compassion and care for one another now, I think we’ll be better suited to move forward in the months and years ahead.
So when the instinct to argue or shut someone out arises, I’m challenging you to take a deep breath and keep your heart open.
Love you all big time.
