Is Your Version of Self Care Actually Self-Sabotage?
Rebecca Walker is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Nashville. If you’ve been here a bit, you might recognize her from the GYST Before Christmas Guide! I reached out to her about an idea for a post, the concept being self care vs. numbing, and I wanted to get her input on the differences between the two and how to self-correct if you find yourself going down an unintentionally destructive path. She was very kind to contribute, and her insight on this (and all kinds of subject matter) has been incredibly valuable to me. So when someone suggested the same post idea a few weeks after I initially contacted Rebecca about it, I knew it was time to dive in.
The past 6 months have been an unexpectedly introspective time for me. No longer “blessed” with the ability to work myself to death (although I’ve still found ways!), I’m more cognizant of the coping mechanisms that myself and the people around me use in times of stress. And when I really hone in on it, I feel like I’m seeing more numbing than actual care. I think it’s natural to want to “fix” people around you once you’ve become more enlightened or cognizant. I really try not to force too many of my own beliefs or ideas on others, but I thought this could be beneficial for anyone, regardless of where they’re at in their wellness journey.
I hope you find this helpful. I know I did!
NSS: Where do we start?
RW: We start by asking ourselves why we’re doing something. This might sound silly, but we get so programmed by our habits and routines that we need to check in and ask ourselves why we are doing what we are doing. Instead of habitually numbing or checking out, asking yourself why you’re doing what you are doing can point you back to truth. Also, if there’s more going on inside, this is a good way to take inventory.
NSS: So what is self care, anyways? I get a lot of suggestions for posts surrounding self care, but I don’t fully understand what it is, and honestly, I don’t think it’s as glamorous as we all make it out to be. Telling everyone to “take a lot of bubble baths” isn’t exactly life-changing advice.
RW: Self care is recognizing a need inside of you that is genuinely good for your soul. If you are a busy body, constantly running around in chaos, self care may look like slowing way down and watching Netflix.
Self care is
recognizing a need inside of you that is genuinely good for your soul.
Self care is typically going to be something that’s not natural for you. But binging for 12 hours every weekend because you get anxious when you don’t — well, that’s just not self care. If you are an extreme introvert but also feel the twinges of loneliness, self care may look like asking someone to come over or meet you out. If you are someone who often pours out for others, getting a massage or scheduling therapy for yourself might be the ticket for you.
Self care can be as simple as self compassion — if your tendency is to beat yourself up about your body, self compassion is saying what the perfect parent (not your parent) or loving sibling might say to you.
Self care is
typically going to be something that’s not natural for you.
NSS: What are some things that are self care that may not seem like it?
RW:
— Outsourcing — help with childcare, etc
— Turning off your phone
— Not doing the high impact work out — i.e. restorative yoga instead of boot camp
— Self compassion
— Externalizing your insides — talking about things that you normally don’t talk about with other people, seeing a therapist
— Asking for what you need
You’ve got to know yourself first.
NSS: What are signs that you might be numbing?
RW:
— You’re not improving.
— You continue to be stressed and miserable, so you’re just prolonging suffering.
— You feel like you are running away from your problems.
NSS: What if you can’t tell the difference?
RW: You can tell if you’re checked out or if you’re being intentional, but it all comes back to this: you’ve got to know yourself first. If you’re having a difficult time diagnosing where you are, try asking the people around you how they see you.
NSS: What do you do if you suspect you are numbing?
Seek out professional help. Therapy is a great place to start looking at your habitual behaviors to see if they’re working for you or not.
